It's football time!!!

Football Season in the South

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different
than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are
some helpful hints.

Women’s Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a
fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani.
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning.

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus,
make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for
tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, because
they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few
hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game
parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the
weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to
where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the
idiots up north who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never broadcast from their
campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio
station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band, who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it is the state’s
third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it,
filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: “Nice play.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.”

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”
SOUTH: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.”

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in
his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the
nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week’s game.

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain
how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the
rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out
how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how
The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA
investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three
to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how
much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy
an orange lamp shade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about
how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy
the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “GO TO HELL, OLE MISS”.

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about
how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and
roll Toomer’s Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss
how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas