July 12, 2008

Blog to get it off my mind

This is probably going to be nothing but ramblings. I just can't unwind tonight. Ricky is too tired to listen and so the computer always listens, right?

I'm constantly worried about Regan this past week. He is having some anxiety issues around groups of kids. He seems to get over stimulated in which is ending in a crying spell. In McDonald's on Friday he did it over and over when kids were playing all around him and he couldn't process what all was happening. As soon as he started the crying and screaming the kids would all scatter and then he would be able to calm himself down. Its so hard as a mommy to know that your child is up there not being played with but being a sitting duck. He can't keep up with kids his age. They are mentally and physically more advance than he and it's sad. While kids his age are already to the playing with peers stage he is still in the stage of side-by-side play. Where he wants to play beside someone but doesn't know how to interact with them. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to do play dates because noones child wants to play with him or be near him. I feel myself pulling away from people because it hurts me to see their children. I just didn't expect to feel this way so early. I've seen kids just take things away from Regan and he just stand there with this look on his face he can't say anything and we have worked so hard on the no hitting or hurting other kids. Its just so frustrating!!!!!!! I want to find him a friend that is patient with him and can help him. I had another mom of a special needs child tell me that they were their child's only friend that no other child wanted anything to do with their son and so they had to be what their child was missing out on. I see that this is where we will be.

I'm just sad for my child these last few days. I'm sad because he didn't move up with his preschool class and even though I knew it would happen he is even behind these new classmates. I feel like I have let him down. That there was something else I should have been doing that would make things better for him. I feel like its my fault that he isn't where his peers are.

I'm also upset for the thought of leaving this coming up weekend. Ricky and I are supposed to go to the beach just the two of us but I have these horrible feelings for us going without him. I just can't stand the thought of it. Maybe that's where most of my hurt is coming from. I just can't stop crying these last few days.

I've been sick and queasy since Monday night and early Tuesday. I can't seem to get over it either. I get so sick at my stomach every time I start thinking about Regan and that isn't helping it either.

I'm going to stop typing now and go check my down syndrome group online. They always seem to cheer me up.

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