January 23, 2009

3months ago today...

I can't believe its been 3months and 1 day since I lost my sweet baby. Its been a long 3months and we still have a lot of healing to do. I am passing on going to the baby shower tomorrow. My mom and MIL have both assured me that its ok. I feel so bad that I can't yet deal with it but they were both super about it. I did manage to go into the baby department and pick up some gifts. I cried but at least I made it. That has to be a step in a good direction. I've talked to some other mommies of angels and know that they still have times even 10 years down the road when they think about what should of been.
I'm thankful for the chance to see this part of life. I would have never known exactly what others felt. Its not been a good place but a place that has taught me about grief, hurt,anger,and love. I never knew you could love someone that you never got to meet, someone who was smaller than your fist, I never knew someone like that could make a huge impact on a life. But she has and I'm on a different path now because of her.
I hope to be moving ahead with my life, getting my self to see the positive things and enjoying every minute I have with my wonderful husband and son.

1 people actually cared enough to comment on this:

Shasta said...

Hey! I am sorry to hear about the difficult time with wanting to go to a baby shower to share in the joy with a mommy-to-be and not being able to. I now exactly how you feel, Corey's brother, Jamie and his wife was having a baby just a few months after our loss and I fwelt like I needed to give and be a part of it and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was so happy for them, but couldn't help but think I should be feeling the kick of a little one inside me, growing, and getting bigger. I am so sorry for your loss. It will eventaully get easier, but cry whenever you need too. I still do at times. Juat remember the beautiful bundle of joy(Hunter) that God gave me and Corey 18 months later, I wish he and Tristan could have met their(I believe brother), but one day they will. I keep reminding myself that at least my angel will never know pain, but only joy. And someday we will get to see him in heaven! I know that with all of my heart and that is where I find my stregnth. I look at my boys faces and think God you are so amazing and I know the pain that I still go through with the loss of our little one is for a reason beyond me. Just like all the tragedies in our life. Just look at Regan and Ricky smiles, the love they have for you, and the joy that all of you share will help get you through anything. Love and miss ya'll!! Hope everyone else is doing great and remember God does everything for a reason.