Baby shower blues

A member of Ricky's family is having a baby. She and her hubby weren't sure that they would be able to ever have children so this is exciting news for them. I'm just not sure if I can handle going to the baby shower. I've been trying to tell myself that everything will be just fine but I can't make myself believe it,yet.

I should be 22-23 weeks pregnant right now. I should of found out what the baby was the week before Christmas. I should be getting my babies room ready, putting pink everywhere. I should be worrying about swollen ankles and bladder issues, I should be letting Regan feel his sister moving, buying my double stroller, new baby smelling stuff But I'm not and I still have some major issues with it. I can't even go into the baby department at Wal-M*rt yet. Ricky has to go in there and get the diapers for Regan. I just can't. I will turn around and retrace my steps before walking past that instant cry fest. When people ask when we are adding to our family it almost kills me. Especially when its our immediate family that should know the pain that we have been through just to get pregnant and after losing our precious little one.

I'm still dealing with issues of the miscarriage. I've been up since 4am because I dreamed about her again. (Yes I've said it 3 times a her, Things that were said to me after my d&c made me know that it was a girl just like I thought.) I'm just wondering where I get the strength to be able to move past this and share in the excitement of other pregnant people. I just don't have it yet.